Titanium

I believe in life. I believe that everyday, every person, every word, every tiniest thing is important. I believe this because I have to. If I don’t I don’t know what I would do, I have to believe in god, I have to believe in family, I have to believe in the good in all people. If I don’t then nothing makes sense, why would so many people believe in an entity if it wasn’t true? Why do some people go to their grave believing that there is something else to go to after death? Why if there is nothing to believe in do we all believe in something? I think that the answer to all these things is within us.

My dad once said there are no atheists in war. He said while serving a tour in Iraq for 14 months that when the Iraqi’s began to motor their camp again everyone in their bunker was praying. So I believe that in a way even if you don’t believe in god himself or a formal entity then you do believe in something inside of each person something that ties us all together in desperate time such as 9/11 or Pearl Harbor.

I believe there is power in believing, if you believe in something hard enough it becomes true in your mind even if no one else can see it. I believe that even people who do bad things in there life are somewhat remorseful and they know what they are doing. I don’t think there is anyone who can do terrible deeds and just ignore them completely. I believe that if we don’t believe we are nothing. If no one believed in anything we would all be a waste, if nothing mattered then why? How can we have a world in which no one believes? How do we know who will grow up to be who? Look at the person sitting next to you are. They could be the next Einstein or Shakespeare. If you do not believe this then what do you believe in? That is why my answer is life. I believe that life is the answer to everything and you have to see it through no matter who you are or what you’ve done.

I fall to the ground. Wondering how I ended up in this mess. Lost in the regions of endless space without a single soul to comfort me. Looking to the sky for an answer seeking for the bright ray of hope. After searching for this ray I begin to fade into utter darkness. I am flashing back to when times like these were completely in the darkest regions of my mind, sometimes not there at all. Now it seems like a steady occurrence that has been planted into my life as if by fate or destiny. I wish I could get out of it but the truth is I can’t, I wish I was back with my mother in our old house with the rusty door knocker and the peeling paint. At least there I felt safe, free, finally at home, but here in this darkness, there is no home, no safe , no free, there is only that which has always been here and always will be, darkness. I find myself traveling back to when this all began, it is the middle of July. The day was hotter then usual, it was warm enough to feel the heat cooking the tar in the cracks of the asphalt. It gave off this scented aroma of burning tires in the backyard. Except this smell was much more repulsively vile and it made you want to go inside and hide from it if you could. Unfortunately I could not do that this day, my family and I were on their way to the grocery store, our prescheduled once a week trip which always ended in my parents being mad at how much macaroni had increased in price. You could often hear dad saying “it’s gone up ten cents since the last time we were here!” though in the end they would continue to succumb to buying a box or two just because Jim and I liked it so well. Jim was my younger brother, he was about to turn ten this August, sadly that day would never come, for me to see at least. That grocery trip was the last I can remember of the next couple of days; I can only remember bits and pieces after that affair. I remember that what had happened had been completely and utterly my fault, I wandered somewhere in that grocery store and then I ended up somewhere that I probably shouldn’t have been. That is all I remember about the trip. Then I woke up here laying on this same cold, dark ground, surrounded by complete darkness and this is where I have stayed for several days now, and this is were I will stay for the rest of my life, for all I can for see. It is such an abysmal thing to talk about, that I have grown weary of talking at all, so for now I will just succumb to the darkness myself.